Programming Day napud tomorrow...go go go!!

I love her..

I loved her so much that she made my plastic heart beats....
"I miss the sound of your voice,
 I miss the rush of your skin,
 I miss the still of the silence
 as you breathe out what I breathe in..."

I miss her so much.. May God guide me with this feeling..

What is Love?

What is love? Some may say that love is an indefinable feeling felt by a person towards another person. Some may say that love sucks because you only get hurt when you love.
But what do really love means?
For me, love has a broad meaning and that meaning depends on the person that is capable of feeling that. I’ve experienced this kind of emotion and it’s very new to me because out of 17 years living in this world, I’ve experienced it at the age of 16, it all started last year and the specific date was December 25, 2008. And until now, I still love that girl but I guess, I’m not that worthy enough for her. If you love that person, even though that she/he committed so many mistakes you still get the courage to accept her/him because “Love conquers all and love bears all the pain”. But I guess, she doesn’t really love me after all. But I should accept it like a man. What’s important is that I loved her, and even though I committed so many mistakes, I’ve tried to fix it and prove to her that I’m sorry. Well, all I can say is that, It’s my lost because I can’t replace her in my heart but I’d still believe with this quote, “I can love other people but she can’t be loved by her new as much as I loved her before..”. Because I do believe that no one can match up my love for her, risking is the most expressive way one telling that person that you loved her/him, and I’m afraid to risk before, but when I met her, I’d risk all I had and that’s my mistake, I gave all I got and now, there’s nothing left to me but nothing.
Get it? Well, that’s life, I should grow up and continue the path that I chose to take, and I do believe that God is walking one step beside me. So now, I’m currently struggling with this pain I’m bearing inside but I know that I can do it, I will, I can, I should.

P.S. I hope there’s someone out there who’s capable of loving me for who I am, and what I’m capable of doing only for her.

Hey, drop by some comments and also your stories about your life and how do feel about this topic. (^_^) Take Care and God Bless!

How it all started (One last message) Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE: Days w/out her…until…

After the broke up, it made my days morbidly sad.

So many melancholic moments I have experienced after that incident, I cried and cried, so many sleepless nights. I just can’t get over with that feeling and it sucks! I’ve lost my appetite and the urge to go to school. The inspired feeling was gone and pain reigned throughout my entire mind. My mind was full of cobwebs and questions, I don’t know the reason on why she broke up with me, because on February 14, we were so happy that time and 3 days later after that day, she broke up with me and left me with no definite reason.
Days passed by, I’m trying to be fine, we still have a communication, I still manage to text her almost everyday, I just want know the reason on why she did that to me. She said that she has a deep reason on why she needs to do that, but that’s unfair, isn’t it? Because as a partner, she should open it to me, but I can’t force her so I’d stop for a while but after few days, the routine will be repeated, asking process will be repeated and you can’t blame me because it boggles my mind a lot each and everyday I wake up.
March 3, 2009, I inviter her to go out, it should be our 2nd monthsary so I thought that I could invite her just to hang out with me. The venue was on People’s Park, we talked about our lives, and we also mentioned about the broke up incident. I was happy but then again, I was kinda sad because I miss her a lot, so much! I just want to be with her each and everyday, I’m contented with her, being with her means a lot to me and no one can replace the happiness that she gives to me each and every time she’s with me. We ended our conversation at around nine o’clock in the evening. Well, I was contented at that day because even though that we broke up, still I can see her and be with her, sometimes…I guess…
March 17, 2009, exactly 1 month after our broke up, I’m still sad, I can’t do the chores that I am doing before; still I’m very affected with that. And every time I hear the songs of FM Static especially the song entitled, “Tonight”, all that is in my mind was the moment we’re together at Shrine Hills Matina, it was around seven o’clock and we were lying on the field, staring at the stars on the sky, as we laugh together, as I spooked her out just for her to hug me, it was the best feeling I’ve ever felt in my whole life.

……………………………………………………2 Days later………………

March 19, 2009, that was late at night at around eight o’clock in the evening and we were texting. We reached the topic where we talked about our broke up, and it was kinda weird but hey! She said to me these words, “Ar pede makigbalik?” I was so shocked, my ears were plugged out, my adrenaline rushed out, I’ve felt happiness, and I replied to her, “Sure jud kah?”. She said that she was sure, and what else will I react with that? I opted to believe with that and I said to her, “Ok..=)”... We tackled about our relationship and I’ve found out that she broke up with me and it was all because of her parents. But I respected that because she should really obey her parents. Well, past is past and I accepted her to come back to me because she’s the only one that could make me happy. And even she didn’t come back to me at that time…….

I’d still wait for her until she comes back to me… because I know no matter what happen, she’s all mine and I’m all hers. This heart of mine belongs to her.

A newly rising band has arrived.. SGD!

Stars go dim - Love gone mad

Stars go dim - Crazy 

 Stars go dim - Come around

How it all started (One last message) Chapter 1

How it all started ( One last Message)

CHAPTER ONE: CHRISTMAS DAY

This all started on Dec.25,2008 and it happened at Gaisano Mall. That was the day of Christ and for me that was the most memorable day in my life and it was the happiest day in my life ever happened.

But that wasn’t the first time that I saw this girl, actually, I saw this girl almost everyday even before when I was still a Freshmen student and it was still our first month in the University. There was this moment where my classmate and I were having a good time at the 5^th floor Eng’g bldg. and to be exact, the room was room505. There were several 2^nd year students there practicing for their speech fest. My classmate and I were sitting at the back and we were having a glance on the 2^nd year students. Unexpectedly, I was shocked that I saw this girl in that very room where I, myself is located at. I was amazed at  that moment and my heart beats faster, there’s no joke! My heart beats faster!! Really!! I wanted to get her name and also her number but was so shy to come close with her and even to say “Hi” is an impossible thing to do. Luckily, there was this classmate of her and I can define this guy as an approachable being(ehehe). I told my classmate to ask the name of that girl who was wearing green skinny jeans and brown dress. My classmate did asked the guy, and fortunately he answered, “ayy!! kana!! Si Lorraine!! Nganu d.i?”. I was so shy at that very moment, I blushed and looked back with the redness in my face. But deep inside, I was so happy because finally I know her name already and It was a good feeling after all, really it was!

Days passed by, I almost see her everyday, I just hate to glimpse but glimpsing at her was the only thing I can do and I have no choice but to stare at her secretly. I had a text mate and who knows?!  This text mate of mine is a…guy!! I can define this as a weird student but an intelligent being. I got his number because my classmates and I were planning to have this guy tutor us in our Trigonometry subject. One night, I realized that this guy was a 3^rd year CS student and the special girl of mine was a 2^nd year student, hoping for a chance, I hurried and texted this guy immediately, I asked if he knows “Lorraine” and if I could get her number. Fortunately, he knows this girl and what’s more even cooler was that he also gave me the number of the girl. Whooah!! Luck is in my side!! At that very moment, I immediately texted her and she actually replied, “Who u?”, at least she replied, diba? Days passed by, she become my closest text mate ever and I was planning to meet her but still goose bumps reigns throughout my entire body. There was this time that I was in the 5^th floor in Eng’g bldg. near the stairs and out of the blue she was there!! I didn’t give her a smile but I texted her, “Sorry hah? Di kita napansin.”. I felt so glad every time her eyes met mine, It was like a joyride at the rollercoaster and a trip in a safari zone where everything felt like a dream came true. Her eyes was twinkling, she has a black straight hair, with cherry blossom like lips, and all I can say is that I can imagine this girl as my wife. “Oh God! How beautiful this girl is!”, these words I whispered inside my head.

It was Intramurals Day, and my classmates and I were having fun at the campus. Later at that day, my classmates and I were watching a volleyball game. We were so happy because almost all of the players are gay. And we all know that gay people plays so energetically. Unexpectedly, I saw Lorraine and we were having a picture taking at that time so she was there, at the picture with me (^_^). She was wearing a black jacket that looks like an emo gothic style.

Weeks passed by, I slowly fall in love with her, because falling in love means being hurt but all I can say is that I don’t want to miss this chance and being with her is like a once in lifetime chance to go around the world. Almost every night, I was thinking of Lorraine. It felt like heaven when I see her, what more If I’m with her? And it reached Christmas Day, and this is the day that I asked her to meet me and fortunately she said, “Yes. Kita kits!”. We’re going to meet at National Bookstore in Gaisano Mall. And at that very moment, I saw her glancing at the books in that bookstore, my heart beats faster and as I go nearer, the beating of my heart beats even faster. And as I look at her, all that is in my mind and what scribbled in my heart is her name, Lorraine. As I approached her, I said, “Hi Lorraine.”, as I looked at her, all I can see was a tensed girl, her lips were dry at that time but still she’s so beautiful. She answered with a funny line, “ Time sah! Atai mani ui..nakulbaan ko.”. And after that, I teased her because she was so funny at that time. Happiness for me means being with her, and being with her at that time was breath-taking. I do really think that I do have a feeling for this girl and all I want to do is to be with her because she takes all my problems and trashed it away leaving me with joy in my heart. I knew I wanted her the first time that I saw her walked by. The day ended with a bang! We were so happy and contented with that day, and I do hope that that would never end.

How it all started (One last message) Chapter 2

Chapter Two: The Yes.

 

            After that Christmas Incident, many good things happened.

 

            Day by day, we never ended texting with each other. It’s like that there is no minute that we didn’t spent texting with each other. I just love those sweet words that she said to me though I know that she’s not that serious after all, but still I want to believe in her because If I believe, I know that I’d be happy so at the end, I was the loser because I’ve fall in love with her. There was this text that I can’t forget, actually I still have this message of her in my cellphone. The message goes like this, “Ui..ar..bcg pag mafall nako ha..kay kaw napud mubiya..basig ako napud ang mahurt..” and at that very moment, all that is in my mind is this words…”If only she’d know that I’m damn serious on her, and I’m willing to spend my life feeling like this forever and she’s the reason why I’m floating most of the times..”. There are times that I’d question my self on why I fall in love with her, but all I know right now is that she’s worth loving for. I never felt this feeling before so I was kinda “ignorant” on this because she was my first Love. And every time my cellphone beeps, there was this strange feeling that I’ve felt my heart beats faster and an unexplainable feeling is within me. I long for her, I long for her company, and I need her by my side. But I doubt it, I should take this a little slower than this one because since I was just a little boy, I’m not afraid of anything,(except for a dog, that bites!!). I’m afraid of being left alone and be broken-hearted just because of a girl/woman. I had 10 girlfriends before her but I didn’t take it seriously for me to be in a safer place, just for the sake of not being hurt. But as days passed by, I can’t fight this feeling anymore, there was this message I sent to her and it goes like this, “Ahm..pede ilakad moko kay lorraine?(message sent to lorraine)..”. ehehe..and after few days, I asked her, “Nilakad mo na ba ako kay Lorraine?^_^..”(also pointing to her). Actually, I’m kinda “torpe” If I’m in love ‘coz I don’t know how to express it by any means. But I risked, and I tried to express it. So I did express it!! Whooah.. She told me this, “g.lakad na kita ui..ejeje” and as for a reaction to myself, BANG!! I was so happy that time... Even though I know that she’s not that serious but still I don’t want to be K.J. so I’d believe in her.

            December 31, 2008.. it was eleven o’clock on the evening and we were still texting, waiting for the New Year’s Day to come. She said to me that she wants to jump in her bed just for her to increase her height,(she was desperately hoping for that to really happen...ehehe). We ended that day with a wonderful message…”sweet dreams poh..”. Hmm… January 2, 2009… I was expecting and desperately hoping for this year to be a good year for me. And so it did! It was a great year, I guess?!! Well, at this day, we reached to the point that we tackled about our bond or as might as well I say our Romantic bond. I asked her this question, “Hmm..kanang..mura na gud ta ug uyab..diba?ehehe.. Unsa na akong standing sa imuha?”… and she replied, “bitaw nh??ejeje..kita na.”. And that was it, the Big Bang for me but I know for other people It was just not that sweet but for me, at that time, It was perfect, nothing else I could ask for God to happen but that!! Only that! Oh God, I love this girl so much that she made me risk and risking is what I’m not good at. I learned on how to believe, on how to express my feelings, on how to risk something without knowing on what’s going to be the end of that risk that I, myself did. I love this girl though It was a short of period of time, I’ve felt happiness and contentment with this girl and I do want to grow with her by my side. If only she’d know this, If only she’d appreciate my little own doings just for her to feel that I am really serious and I do love her. I called her my princess, my girl, my angel, my Now and hoping for her to be my FUTURE.

How it all started (One last message) Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3: My First Love

 

            Ever since the day that I courted her, up to the point that she accepted my love for her, and the day she ended loving me, my feelings for her have changed and it grown deeper though we’re not committed anymore. I loved her so much and honestly, while writing these lines of our memories together, I’m crying…tears run down through my face and this feeling sucks… It hurts a lot… :’(

            Back to the topic, for our first week, we had a slight problem, we’ll there was this day and it was Friday as far as I can remember, the date was January 9, 2009. It was afternoon already and I confronted her if she does have a problem? And yes she really had a problem, a problem that she didn’t answer me directly. She wanted to break up with me and the reason was she doesn’t want to continue this anymore, and for me it was a shit… I felt pain but still I didn’t stop, it was Saturday then, I texted her and she told me the real reason, she said that “She’s afraid to fall in love with me deeply….because she don’t want to be hurt…” . I’ve been hurt but I smiled after knowing that, and after that incident, my love for her grew even more. In Sundays, I go to church and pray for this girl to be the girl of my life forever; I just can’t find someone that could much up with this girl in my heart. At the first weeks, I was kind of shy to hold her hand, I was blushing and I can’t even make a single move just to hold her hand at the first time. As far as I can remember, we were at Victoria Plaza when I first hold her hand. It was one of the best memories in my life and I wish it would never end. My life now is her life, and her life is my life. Even if I run right now, I know that I’d still come back somehow because this heart only beats because of her, because of her, Lorraine Fernandez Donasco. January 19, 2009, we went to Ailene’s house, they studied there and after studying we decided to take a walk on that place. We took pictures at great sceneries there and posed as well. We ate our dinner there and after that we decided to go home. But before going home, there was this feeling that I wanted to kiss her badly, the emotions we’re fixed but unexplainable. I told this to her friends so that they’ll be aware of what I’m planning to do, and as we walk by on the dark path, I called up her name, “Lorraine, pede mangaug kiss??^^,”. She agreed but as I looked at her, she was so nervous and she was shaking and her hands were so cold. There was a lump of mad there and she was standing over that lump. My head were reaching closer to her and she was closing her eyes, the moment was great, and as my lips reaches her lips, there it was, the best kiss of my life, our first kiss. The emotions were all mixed up. I was tangled by the feeling of being so deeply in love with her, I would never trade this girl for any vanity in this world. It’s like that I’ve won tons of gold when she answered me “yes”. Oh God, how I love this girl, and hoping that this would lasts. January was the best month for me, when I’m with her, everything seems to fall in the right place, everything was right until the day that she we had this big problem; she heard that at the time that I courted her, I also courted another girl. She didn’t text me for 2 days I think and it reaches the time that she was planning to break up with me again because of that issue. We were at Victoria with her friends, Ailene and Honey, I was so nervous at that time and the feeling was that I felt so sick. I don’t want to loose her, I really don’t want! But still, luckily, God helped me, we resolved that problem, and to think, the date was February 3, 2009, that day was our First Monthsary, funny isn’t it?

Well, lesson learned, and I should be strong with this and I know that no matter what, till the end I’ll fight for her.

How it all started (One last message) Chapter 4

            CHAPTER FOUR: THE BLACK VALENTINES

 

            Valentines Day, lovers go out and have their time spent with each other, the hearts day were Cupid is roaming around, searing arrows to the hearts of young or not so young couples out there. This Month should be a month of Love, it should but it wasn’t for me. February 14, 2009, we were having great time, as early as eight o’clock in the morning and it was Saturday that day, we have no classes that day in our CWTS because it was indeed Valentines Day. I went to school to see her, I come with her to the internet café because they were making their MP’s in their Programming 2 subject. After that, we went to Victoria Plaza to meet the Boyfriend of Ailene and Honey. We went to SM Davao to spend our Heart’s Day there, and when we finally arrived there, Jumong(boyfriend of Ailene), Jan.mel.(boyfriend of Honey) and I, myself decided to separate ways with the girls because we had a plan, a plan to surprise the girls with something that might make them happy in this day. We roamed around the Mall, but didn’t find anything special to give to them, I thought of giving Lorraine a flower, a rose to be exact, but I searched for it but didn’t find it though I thought of going outside and there, fortunately, there was a shop out there selling roses, so we bought roses and chocolates. It was afternoon that we’ve finished our task, we went to the Game Station to meet our girlfriends, and in front of the crowd, I gave the roses to her and I said, “I Love you”. I don’t know what she have felt at that time but for me, it was relieving because for me, expressing that I loved her was a great achievement for me. After that, we went to see Rachelle Alejandro’s mini concert at the Hall of SM Davao. While watching, I decided to secretly put inside her bag the chocolates that I bought for her. She realized it when she went to the Comfort room with her friends that I gave her a chocolate. As we continue to watch Rachelle, I hugged her tightly and I’ve felt this feeling again, I was so happy that time, being with her means a lot to me. After that, we went to Matina Town Square and we had a solemn moment there, I just hugged her until the night passed out.

            That day I’d never ever forget, I love her so much… I really love her…

 

            February 17, 2009,  the worst day ever, it was afternoon already, she texted me “Ar, diba kung love ko nimo, set me free na beh?”… at that moment, I was at the Internet cafe with my classmate Andrei, I rushed in to her, to meet her and to talk to her, and as we talked, she told me this words, “Dili na lagi ko! Pasagdie nako! Di nako!! Bulag nata! Please set me free?!”… Those words, I never wanted to hear those words!! It stabs my heart, and at the very moment, I can’t stop but I cried in front of her classmates, maybe I showed my weakness to them but all that is important at that point is that I’ve felt pain because of that, I don’t know what to do, Damn! It hurts a lot! Ailene talked to me at Victoria Plaza and comforted me after that incident. But then, I decided to went to Gaisano Mall to see her again that day, I talked to her but nothing has changed. And before that day passed by, I gave her a tight hug outside the Mall. And I plead within, crying, longing for her, wanting to have the explaination.